A few years ago I had two moles removed from my right leg, leaving me with two scars . If I already felt ashamed showing some parts of my body, it was the icing on the cake.

I lowered the blind, turned off the light , turned on my side, covered myself with the sheet… All as long as my leg was not visible.

What never occurred to me was that I could discuss that burden that entered me, as soon as I dropped my pants, with the other person.

And, taking into account that it was an insecurity that passed over time, I now realize that, if I had said it beforehand, no one would have given it the dimension that I was giving it.

But that option was not in my plans

I would venture to say that almost everyone has something that makes them feel unsafe when it comes time for a sexual encounter.

It can be related to the physical, as in my case, but also concern regarding fears such as the doubt of whether we are desirable , if he will be bored. Or even things like not feeling comfortable sexually or the way we prefer certain things to be done to us (and not knowing how to communicate it).

There are even those who avoid dating new people so they don’t have to go through the same thing over and over again. So starting from the basis that any insecurity you have, you have to work on your own, in the process we can make our sexual partner participate in what is happening. If you have tried non-verbal communication (implementing the changes in the room or directly removing your hand if you did not want it to touch a specific part), and you continue to feel bad, it is the sign that you have to talk about things.

Talk about insecurities

To begin with, the magic word: assertiveness . You have to tell the situation assertively from “how I feel” and not “how you make me feel”. That is to say, to make it clear that this comes from me, they are my insecurities and they have nothing to do with you.

Second, ask if the other person is okay with you opening up. Here it is important to make it clear that you do not need a solution, but simply that they listen to you and validate your emotions .

For example, you can say that something is wrong with you regarding your intimate life, and then, “Is it okay for me to share it with you? That would help me because you don’t have to say anything, I just want to open up and be listened to,” for example.

Once the cards are on the table, it is time to consider how I would feel more comfortable with my insecurity, whether it is changing position, modifying the lighting, how you want to be touched, if when your insecurity grows you need to stop, give yourself cuddling for a while.

In what way do I want to actively involve my partner (and to what extent is he willing and able to be involved). It is a middle point in which, while working on insecurities, you can have an intimate encounter that is comfortable for both of you.